I am so worried about those unknown piercing eyes and those unheard mocking laughter that I feel nauseated. Is it that thinking about the crowd’s perception has led to psychological imbalance?
When I was aspiring to be an author, all I wanted was to get my first book published, not for anyone but myself. All I think now while writing is “Whether people will like it”? There was a sense of achievement after completing my only authentic work, my first book. At that time I didn’t even know how and what to expect. And then as the book became the bestseller I too became a celebrity. Media started hailing me as a youth icon. Initially, I felt awkward in those public forums where I was projected as the face of young India and hence expected to be rhetoric. I realised more cynical I sound more resounding was the ovation. Tragedy is that limelight intoxicates, incomparably. What could have I done? I wrote series of books to please fans, publishers and media. And more pleased they were!! I became narcissist, desire for more affection never ceased; to an extent that now it is unbearable. Who is to blame for it? I wrote what people expected, I did what they thought was right.
The only solace is perhaps, they don’t have the sight to guess my mental state. I was never a pusillanimous but people have confined me to live within my proven abilities. Rightly so I believe. Isn’t living my life being mediocre better than to risk it being great and end up being a nobody? Isn’t it better for me to be monotonous than to risk being heroic and end up being an outcast? After all, am I not supposed to be a social animal?
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- Inverted Narcissist (Narcissist Codependent) (disclose.tv)
- Things I have learned in the last few weeks (balloon-juice.com)
- Day 9 of the 30 Day Book Challenge (crobertsblog.com)